Since becoming a parent, there are quite a few new experiences I’ve encountered and new skills I’ve mastered. If I ever decide I need to look for a new job, there are some items I’ll have to add to my resume. This is definitely going to make me more marketable.
Here’s what my new resume will look like:
Contact at 555-5555 unless my kids have my phone in which case they’ll probably hang up on you and return to the Peppa Pig app.
Mom of “S”, 2012-Present. Duties include acting as a human climbing wall, forcibly feeding chicken nuggets, and hiding extra keys outside in event of child locking self in house.
Mom of “M”, 2014-Present. Duties include preventing biting outbursts aimed toward self and S, rapid rocking and back-patting at bedtime, and irregularly frequent diaper changes.
The School of Hard Knocks; Relevant classes include “I Didn’t Take Childbirthing Classes and Now I’m in Labor,” “Breastfeeding Sucks and What the Hell is Happening to My Nipples?”, “Why Won’t This Kid Sleep?”, “I Don’t Know How to Change a Diaper”, “He Can Walk So Now I Need to Figure Out How to Child Proof My House”, and “Figuring Out How to Discipline Effectively Before I Pull All of My Hair Out.”
Babysitting during Teenage Years. Experience includes ordering pizza on the parents’ dollar, completing craft projects with children that included glitter, not worrying about skipping nap time, and leaving approximately 30 seconds after parents returned so as not to take wrap for glitter or missed nap time.
Skilled at locating missing items. Includes but is not limited to sippy cups with milk already turning to cottage cheese inside, toys with small parts purchased by relatives with no children, puzzle pieces, favorite clothing items, and especially rogue socks. Could be valuable asset to police department or private detective service.
Able to diagnose ailments without referencing WebMD or doctor. These include but are not limited to ear infections, emerging molars, sinus infections, and need for nourishment and naps. Also able to cure most ailments with one fell swoop (i.e. Benadryl [the kind that causes drowsiness]).
Able to concentrate on projects despite distractions. Can work in an environment that includes screaming, wailing, gnashing of teeth, fist fighting, whining, complaining, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and flying food.
Skilled at product assembly. Can assemble cribs, IKEA furniture, toys, playhouses, and tricycles quickly, efficiently, and solo, as help from husband and other “well-meaning” individuals has proven to be counterproductive.
Effective at mediating disputes. Sharing issues, physical assaults, verbal attacks, indecision over McDonalds vs. Burger King and Paw Patrol vs. Jake and the Neverland Pirates all included.
Capable of wrangling wild beasts (if necessary). Can wrestle newly – lotioned babies into pajamas, force children into shopping cart seats and car seats, and clothe children who are embracing their nudist stage.
Available upon request from my own mother, who says kids are just like me, and who feels my pain but still laughs about it for some reason.