I swore I wouldn't do it. After I watched my soon to be ex-husband button up a collared shirt and shine up his black patent leather shoes to go out with one of the “guys” I decided that I will just PEEK at what Match.com has to offer out there. Our relationship is very much over and has been for a very long time. The story of our demise is dynamic and one that will be saved for later, but I find it amusing that he still doesn't realize how well I know him. “I am going out” would have sufficed. Hell, “I have a date” would have been even better. He may have gone out with his guy friend but we both know he doesn't hang with “the guys.” However, I suppose he can do and say whatever he wants to tell me. Ultimately, he is basically just “doing him” which I think is what made me chuckle to myself because nothing will ever change.
He leaves for his date. I get my daughter to sleep, and figure out how to log in to this dating site. It keeps asking for my picture which I am NOT giving because I would be mortified if anyone I knew saw me on there. It is not what I am about anymore. What if my soon to be ex saw me on there? That would appear as succumbing to the norm which would be going against what I am about. I am totally without desire to date or being in a relationship other than friendships—true bonafide friendships. I really am just curious as to whether or not I have anything to look forward to. Is Match.com all there is out there in the way of guys?
I regress and proceed to go against my better judgment and continue with this sign on process. I successfully log in under an old email so I don't have to deal with reminders of this choice that I know I will soon think of myself as silly for even contemplating. It asks for a heading and I don't have a heading and what the hell is a heading? So I type my heading as “Do I need a sharpie to write across my forehead for this?” Next, It asks for my status? They don't have my status type of “separated & living under the same roof with Mr. Hyde, waiting for my divorce to be final, taking stuff off the walls and packing slowly because I can't wait to get OUT. We’re transitioning gently, so this house, that he is keeping, becomes barren slowly and not all at once so that it isn't such a jolt to his system or my daughter's who will still reside here from time to time, because everything within the house is mine.”
I select “Divorced” to keep it simple. Besides, it is essentially the truth if it weren't for the slow court system that makes this civil process a grueling and difficult one. Next, it asks for me to tell a little about me, which requires at least 200 keystrokes. Why can't a girl just scope out a few eligible (or so they say) dudes without 200 keystrokes?
This is what I wrote:
“I am only filling this out because I am curious as to what is out there. Don't think I will meet someone this way and don't really want to. I want it (friendship) to just happen randomly, by chance, while out there living and enjoying my freedom. At the same time, I am curious as to what has “accumulated” by way of gentlemen while I have been away doing the married thing. Being that I am divorced for the second time, I am not interested in marriage anymore or a friend with benefits (that is so Y2K). Friendships would be cool. I am pretty much on a man-cation for now but it certainly can't hurt to take a peek, so that is what I am doing—peeking. I have grown to dig my boring life. I find comfort in not feeling the need to be the life of the party anymore (boring). I love nature and art and history. I love to venture out now and again to do fun and interesting things. I love red wine and gourmet health food. A healthy body and soul are things that turn me on. Sleep with books and could easily live without a television or the five HUGE flat screens I never watch, yet still have hanging on my walls.”
My children come first in all circumstances, are my world and no soul dare F'word with them. (I love finding ways to launder bad words so they don't sound so monotonous and vulgar). I am silly. One of my favorite tricks is trying to slip through a recently open door, without letting it touch me, before it closes. I am goofy, chaotic and clumsy and I laugh at myself constantly because of it. I love to paint, create, make a mess and then clean it up. I like my home modern and tidy, not in a freakish obsessive compulsive kind of way though, that's not fun. I am happy and it shows the majority of the time. I am a morning person and although I am sure i can hang on an occasional late night, I am typically in bed, reading by 10 p.m., hell sometimes nine. Boring, I know!
I do not like mean people or sarcastic (in a bad way) people. I like people who let people be who they are because there is no other way that people should be. I am a free spirit and if you smother me I will fly away, fast. I take life moment to moment and whatever will be will be. I feel there is no room in life for the manipulation of one's future trek, people need to go wherever their heart and soul tells them to—not where I want them to or you want them to. I have my own mountains to climb. Speaking of mountains, I love love love hiking in them. The Colorado Rockies are my fav.”
I think I did pretty good for the required 200 keystrokes. (Overkill but whatever.)
I posted this long enough to enable me to scroll through a couple hundred dudes, two of which I marked as favorites. One, I don't even remember why, the other was four years my senior (a pilot, divorced, handsome). I lasted 20 minutes or so on Match.com before I deleted my profile. The whole online dating thing is so in the past for me. This flashback gave me enough of a bad taste in my mouth to put it behind me for good. Sticking to my man-cation for now. I will continue to do what I love and love who I love with all my heart and if my trek brings me upon a friend, cool, if not, I love myself today, don't need anyone to do that for me.
I don't regret my past inclinations to meet men via online dating and am not against it for others. Hell I gave birth to my very beautiful pleasant surprise via a man I met and married on MySpace, back when I swore I wouldn't try the new thing called Facebook. I can't imagine my life without her (my daughter, not Facebook).
I have learned the survival techniques to get me through, up and over. I welcome the storm because I have learned how to dance within it and see the beauty that is found in the aftermath, far beyond patent leather shoes and collared shirts.