She stares up at me with those deep chestnut eyes. Suddenly, she throws her arms up, the sign that she needs her momma. I quickly hoist her onto my hip, and just like that, we become intertwined. Her head finds that perfect spot in the crevice of my neck that has been hers, and only hers, for 18 months now. Soon, she will have to share it with another, but I have yet to tell her that.
This little person, whose scent I know better than the back of my hand, whose cries I can distinguish in under five seconds, is about to have her world rocked.
Everyone keeps telling me, reassuring me, that you do in fact love the second as much as the first. I know in my heart that will be true. Yet, for so long now, my dear daughter has been my one and only. No one else has yearned for my attention like her. No one else has captivated my heart, body and soul to such an extent that I would instantaneously lay down my life to ensure the health and happiness for the rest of theirs.
I have a wonderful husband whom I love and adore. But nothing in the world compares to the complete and utter encapsulating love a mother has for her child. While I can’t imagine my life without my husband, I simply couldn’t live one without my daughter.
The thought that another will come along and inspire that same emotion, that same intense attachment, blows my mind. However, it’s a fact I am certain of. I know that this little person moving inside of me, kicking and spinning, eager to make his or her way into this world, will have just as much impact as the first, taking up another part of my heart I didn’t even realize I had.
Still, I harbor a fear that has yet to be quelled. A fear that my daughter will wonder if someone has taken her place. The fear that she will cry for me in the middle of the night and I won’t be able to rush to her side. Not because I don’t want to, but because I am nurturing another love of my life, who is busy finding his or her own perfect way into the crevice of my neck.
I have hope. Hope that she will begin to see that I have it in me to love them both the same, even if I don’t quite know how yet. She will begin to understand as she grows up that my heart is certainly big enough for two.
But will she get that now? I guess only time will tell. For now, my baby is still my baby. If she needs me, she's got me. This crevice in my neck is all hers for a little while longer.
And while it may not always be an easy journey, I am certain there is room for two.