I’m pretty sure some people actually did tip me off about the trials and tribulations of becoming a mom, but I did it anyway. I began my mommyhood by inheriting a kick-ass little 4-year-old girl when I started dating her dad. A couple years ago I had zero kids, and now I have two: a 6-year-old girl and a 10-month-old boy. They both make me laugh and notice new things about life. However, there are some other things your mom-friends should be sharing with you as you travel toward the path of parenthood.
Here are 17 of those things:
1. You will stare blankly into space more than you ever thought possible. Sometimes these moments will be accompanied by thoughts, but sometimes you will strike that perfect balance between Zen Buddhism and Frontal Lobotomy.
2. Your life will revolve around that holy grail of a question: When can I nap next?
3. You will use more than your fair share of paper towels. Your inner environmentalist will tell you to use a wet cloth instead. You will tell her to hold that thought. You already have a growing tower of towels and don’t feel like doing laundry.
4. You will develop Spidey-like reflexes that make you feel superhuman. And you are. You just stopped that Cheerio from being stepped on, and avoided having to waste yet another wet paper towel. You’re welcome, inner environmentalist.
5. You will find yourself crouching down on the floor, chewing up food to the appropriate consistency, and transferring it to your baby’s mouth. You will feel increasingly in touch with your primate nature.
6. You will reminisce about the days where you could go out for brunch AND take a nap right afterwards.
7. You will look at your baby on the video monitor the way a prisoner might look at a prison guard while planning an escape.
8. When you DO get to sleep, you will have dreams about getting more sleep.
9. You will tell your kids, “I’m not a waitress” and “I’m not your maid”…but you sort of are…and then that realization will really annoy you.
10. You will trick your children into listening to the music you like and watching movies from “your day” like The Goonies and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. This could backfire.
11. You will regret getting your little girl hooked on Full House, though you and your partner can make a game out of guessing the next line due to the painful predictability.
12. You will say regrettable things to your children. And then you’ll forgive yourself. And then you’ll say more ridiculous things that your parents may have said to you, or that you invent all by your crazy self.
13. You will forget that you’ve had to go pee for the last three hours, but have been too busy to go.
14. You will thank God for grandparents, and you’re not even sure God exists.
15. You will feel a bit overwhelmed when you realize they expect you to know the answers to life's big questions.
16. You will multi-task like a mutha!
17. You will get cuted-out (a visceral reaction to cuteness) by your kids on the daily and have these beautiful reminders of the joys in life, the sorrows in life, and the circle of life. This will cause you to sing “The Circle of Life” so often that your daughter will ask you to stop.
I’m kind of glad no one completely conveyed to me the challenges that motherhood would bring. I’m enjoying these little experiments, otherwise known as my children.