I know you want to stop yelling.
I know you feel guilty.
I know you don’t want this to be your parenting legacy.
Everywhere you look there are groups, websites, blog posts telling you that you should stop yelling. That you can stop.
Except you’ve tried everything.
And. You. Still. Yell.
Maybe it’s a once-and-done yell.
Maybe it’s a scream-your-head-off yell.
Maybe it’s a teary cry-filled yell.
But it’s a yell, nonetheless.
And all the groups in the world giving you distraction techniques aren’t going to help the problem.
Because the problem isn’t the yelling.
The yelling is only a symptom of much deeper issues at play.
Here are 5 reasons you still yell at your kids:
1. You’re exhausted: Lack of sleep or lack of good sleep is nearly always the reason we are feeling run down. But, it’s not the only reason. Perhaps we’re in caring burnout. Perhaps we’re doing too much. Perhaps we’re busy trying to be the perfect mom. All of these things can lead to exhaustion. And exhaustion means less patience.
2. You’re overextended: Multi-tasking always sounds great to brag about but really it’s the burned dinner of motherhood. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Doing even just two things at once causes our brain to go into an overload making calm, rational decisions challenging. Or even impossible. Ever been making dinner and helping a child when another melts down?
3. You’re flying solo: Thousands of us are solo-parenting all week long with partners who work out of town or out of state. Thousands more are single parents with no one to be their backup. And many of us aren’t living the life of the TV show “Parenthood” where a fabulous group of family members is just a phone call away for a relief. Flying solo as a parent may be the biggest culprit of yelling of all time.
4. You’re feeling powerless: Sometimes, no matter what you’ve tried, something just doesn’t work with your child. He doesn’t respond to reward charts, positive-behavior plans or time-ins, let alone time-outs. You tried all of those calming techniques. You tried walking away. You tried distractions. You tried mantras. And yet … still clueless. This is when yelling is perhaps necessary but who in their right mind will ever allow you to admit that? (except around here, of course!)
5. You’re confused: Society gives us so many mixed messages such as don’t let your kids control you … and on the other hand, give the kids freedom to express themselves. Bossy behavior is a good thing? It’s leadership qualities, right? Except when it’s harming and hurting another child in the home. You want to honor their growth and personalities. You don’t want to raise undeserving brats. And so after mixed messaging fail after fail, you yell.
And so you’re left with a ton of guilt, very little answers and a lot of frustration.
But once you understand the reasons why you are yelling it does get easier to find the right path to yell less.
You know already that the right solutions for others might not work for you. You are different. Your family is different. Your kids are different. Your lifestyle and support system is different.
You need authentic solutions that you stop putting a bandaid on the yelling and start rebuilding your inner mama self—one based on abundance and confidence rather than fear and mixed messages.
This was originally published on Abundant Mama's blog.
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