“Are we ready to try again? What if something bad happens?”
These are the questions that we were faced with: questions I’m sure many families who have experienced miscarriage have faced. They’re not easy to answer. The unknown is terrifying – the future is terrifying – especially after you’ve gone through something so difficult, both emotionally and physically.
But for me, the answer was “yes.”
Yes, I was ready to try again, despite the fear of what may lie ahead, because for me, the feeling in my heart that someone was missing from our family was much greater than the fear I had that something could go wrong.
That someone was you, my rainbow baby.
But to me, you’re so much more than just a rainbow. You’re my light at the end of a tunnel of sadness, of heartache, and of pain. You are the child I hoped for and prayed for. You are the one who, after months of not feeling like myself, of being immersed in sorrow, finally brought a smile back to my face.
You were worth every second.
You were worth every second of anticipation before taking a pregnancy test. Worth every moment of anxiety leading up to the day we’d hear your heartbeat for the first time. You were worth every morning of sickness, every day of exhaustion. You were worth the back pain and the discomfort, worth the long nine months of waiting.
I can assure you that those nine months were not easy for me. Pregnancy can be difficult as it is, and when you add in the twisted emotions that follow a loss, it’s even harder. But I promise you were worth every single second. Worth any of it ten times over.
And as I sit here rocking you and watching you sleep, I know that you were the missing piece of the puzzle our family needed to be completed. I know how right we were to take a leap of faith and bring you into the world.
Tomorrow, it will have been exactly one year since we lost your brother to miscarriage. The open wound from that loss has healed so much, but it will always be there, dully aching somewhere in my heart.
You, though, baby boy, have helped me to heal. Your arrival has made my heart full again: full of joy, love. I feel more like myself than I have in so long, and I can’t help but smile as I watch you furrow your brow and then relax into my arms as you sleep.
Yes, I’m certain. You were worth it.