You Said It: In the Mind of a Child

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We've received some pretty humorous submissions on conversations moms have had with their kiddos. They are so funny in fact, that we compiled a selection just for you! If you have some hilarious conversations that you want to share with us, feel free to submit them here

My 36-week “Baby Doctor” Appointment… With The Other Kids
by Karen Johnson, @21stcenturysahm, (Dylan: age 4, Grace: age 2)

Most aspects of life are adventurous when you add a 2 and a 4-year-old into the mix. Taking them to the OBGYN while pregnant, however, is extra special.

My kids are fascinated with the concept of me peeing in a cup. My 4-year-old son had 400 questions. Why do they want my pee? What do they do with it? How do they test it? Why pee and not poop? My 2-year-old daughter wants to do everything Mommy does, so of course she took a cup off of the shelf in the bathroom and wanted to pee in her own cup. She was very upset when I said no. There is also a black permanent marker in the bathroom with which Mommy needs to write her name on the cup. This, too, is amazing. Can I write MY name on a cup? Can I write your name for you? And finally, this experience is made most enjoyable by my son who is obsessed with reading everything to me that he sees anywhere in the world. So of course while I am peeing in a cup and trying to calmly explain to my irrational 2-year-old why she cannot, he is reading the step-by-step instructions to me posted on the wall for “how to collect a clean urine sample.”

And my first internal exam was next.

Worried About Mommy’s Wine
by Karen Johnson, @21stcenturysahm

Earlier in the day, I had mentioned that I needed to buy a bottle of wine. It was MNO (Moms' Night Out) at a friend's house and I had offered to bring a beverage. Fast forward a few hours.

Sitting at the pediatrician's office pharmacy waiting for a prescription, my son notices a vending machine.

“Mom, do you want to get something out of that machine?”

“No, honey. I am ok. Thanks though.”

“But it has bottles in it. See the picture on the front?”

“Um, ok…?? What do you think Mommy needs?”

“You need to get a bottle of wine for yourself. I bet they have them in that machine. You don't want to forget!”

Multiple heads turn (many belonging to doctors and nurses – the rest belonging to other parents).

Thank you, son, for making everyone in this room think I am the kind of mother who would buy wine out of a vending machine. (How amazing would it be to be though to able to buy wine out of a vending machine?!)

I had already purchased said wine earlier in the day without him knowing (apparently), so I thanked him for his concern but informed him that Mommy was all set.

The Benefits of Incontinence Pants
by Alison Bradshaw, @wordsmatter_au

Pregnancy and birth can render your pelvic floor muscles completely useless, making your trampolining and pogo-sticking days a thing of the past and condemning you to the misery of embarrassing leaks with every cough or sneeze, or alternatively, a life of incontinence pants. On the bright side, if you opt for the pants, you will always be ready for “from the mouths of babes” moments like these:

Matthew, 10, had his second “inter-relate” lesson today. He skipped off very excitedly to school because last week he had learnt all the “funny proper” words for body parts. He came running home today to tell me he now knew how babies were made, although his explanation did suggest he had not paid full attention last week when the “funny proper” words were discussed.  Matthew said very seriously, “In order to make a baby, all the man has to do is put his peanuts in his wife’s Volvo.”

Matthew’s twin brother, Ben, is paying more attention in his “inter-relate” lessons. On a day when he had also been studying American history, Ben returned home proudly announcing he could name several American presidents.

“George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and Bill Clitoris.”

My boys are all having trouble with anatomy. Zach, 6, has a new teacher called Mr. Nicholls, a fantastic guy who has been around the block a few times so he is not surprised to hear that, behind his back, some of the older children call him Mr. Nipples. Zach referred to him as Mr. Nipples recently and immediately burst into fits of laughter.

“What’s so funny, Zach?” I asked.

“Nipples are very funny,” he replied, barely able to contain himself.

“Why are they so funny, what are they?” I was intrigued.

“Those funny dangly bits that hang down either side of your willy.”

Who knew?

You Think I Am How Old?
by Cynara Kluever

So my son and I are sitting in the living room watching television and I decided there were no great choices of crap to watch, so we could watch a movie I had recorded, Tremors. I looked at the info section to find out the name of one of the actors and see that the movie was made in 1990 and say to Nick, “This movie is almost as old as I am.”

His reply…wait for it…“It can’t be as old as you mom, it’s in color.”

My immediate reaction—speechless (if you know me, you know this is a difficult feat), jaw hit hardwood floor, “Just how old do you think I am?”

His response to that one was much better,“27, don’t you know that?”

So I continued this conversation with “And when do you think they started making color television and movies?”

This one stumped him so I decided to Google it, so he wouldn’t tell me that I was wrong which is a common occurrence lately. The answer…in Hollywood was 1922. Then it was his turn to be speechless.

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