My daughter’s angry voice yelled from her room where she sat in time out, “You’re a bad mommy! A bad, mean mommy!” While I told myself this was just her reaction to being in trouble, every word was still a knife twisting in my gut. It led me to ask the one question that keeps me up at night.
Am I a bad parent?
I think it’s the question that haunts us all. And within this one question live 20 million sub-questions: Did I show her she was loved enough today? Do I say no too often? Do I not say no enough? Am I getting any of this right?
On any given day I ask myself any number of questions, most of which I don’t have the answer to, and every one making me feel as if I’m probably messing it all up. That something I’m doing wrong today is ensuring she’ll end up a bully and someday a felon. Or worse for my heart’s sake, that she’ll grow up resenting me and never come back once she goes away to college.
But here’s the real question: when does this constant questioning of my abilities become not just normal worry, but instead something destructive?
Truth is, no matter how hard I try or how many things I get right, there will always be some things that I’m getting wrong. With each new screw up, my imperfections show more clearly. But, who comes away from childhood without at least one story of their parents getting it absolutely wrong? The answer is none.
Expecting perfection in every parenting decision I make is simply unrealistic. Not beating myself up for all of those mistakes, real or imagined, is the only way I think I’ll survive this motherhood gig.
As much as we’d all like to, we as parents just don’t know everything. They can’t. We are only human after all. We’re all just asking the same questions on repeat: am I doing all that I can? Am I doing right by them?
Being confused about which parenting decisions are the right ones leads to self-doubt – and our kids can smell that fear from a mile away. They can and will play on that doubt and use it against us.
That night as I was getting Skye ready for bed, I let her pick out an extra couple books to reward her for having listened to mommy the rest of the evening. Her little face lit up and she gave my legs her hardest little girl squeeze.
“Thanks mommy,” she said. “You’re the best mommy ever.”
A quiet calm swept over me as I smiled and told her thank you. In that moment I was comforted by the thought that no matter how many times in a day I feel like I’m failing, Skye will always be my biggest success.
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About the Author
This month we are delighted to partner with the State of Montana on a really cool national story-telling campaign called “THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.” For Montana, this project – including a special edition of Mamalode magazine and accompanying video series – features heartfelt stories about life, work and play under the big sky. But whether we are here or there, sky's the limit is about dreams come true, being your best self, letting your imagination lead and perhaps, conquering the impossible.