At first, I didn’t realize I brought her home from the hospital. How could I have known that the same day I had my son, I would bring a whole other being into the world? Then, I began piecing together the mysterious clues: the half-empty water glasses, the open swaddles, the forgotten Amazon orders…

She appeared to be at the same developmental stage as my newborn. She could barely see, she lived by her most base instincts, she craved immediate gratification, and she came alive in the wee hours of the morning.

Like Jekyll coming face to face with Hyde, I realized this nighttime hellcat was me – the me that existed at 3 A.M.

THE EVIDENCE:

3:47 AM Amazon Orders

Every morning, my inbox was flooded with emails titled: Your Amazon Order of…  The Wombie, The Miracle Blanket, The Magic Merlin, etc. I didn’t remember placing the orders or know how my bank account was depleting so fast. I deduced it stemmed from 3 A.M.’s itchy trigger finger, a waaaay too convenient Amazon app, and nursing session shopping sprees.            

Breast pad wrappers.

They were everywhere; jaggedly ripped apart with teeth and strewn on the nursery floor. How many boobs did 3 A.M. Me have???

Phantom Bruises

Remember in college when you used to wake up with bruises and think, “what kind of hilarious shenanigans did I get into last night? It must have been awesome!” It was like that, except the opposite. The bruises meant 3 A.M. Me and stumbled across the hallway and living room to the nursery – along the way bumping my shin into the coffee table, the swing, and the bouncer.

Abstract Expressionist Milk Splatters

3 A.M. Me was the Jackson Pollock of breastfeeding; spraying breast milk artfully all over my expensive, new glider. Glad I splurged on that one!

Lunatic Wardrobe Choices

To my surprise, I woke up in different outfits than I went to sleep in. It’s too hot! It’s too cold! Leaky boobs! Boredom! Like Beyonce, 3 A.M. Me took any opportunity for a wardrobe change. A true fashionista, 3 A.M. Me paired clashing colors, stole my husband’s boxers, and took creative license with the term “pajama.”

Half Full Water Glasses

They cluttered my nightstand and littered my countertops. Apparently, 3 A.M. Me needed a drink.

Randomly Niche Search History

Have you ever opened your phone search app and found web pages open that you just don’t remember searching? 3 A.M. Me fell into search wormholes about the most randomly specific things: “Beetlejuice Screenwriter,” “North Korea,” “Best Swaddle,” “Miracle swaddle,” “Swaddle that shuts baby up”… Yup, totally random.

Poo Stuff

There’s nothing like walking into your baby’s room and stepping on a dirty diaper sunny side up. How hard is it to put the doo doo in the diaper pail? For 3 A.M. Me, it was impossible.

Group Texts

Who else is awake at 3 am? That posse of new mamas on my group text, that's who. In the morning, I woke up to see 3 A.M. me had an entire therapy session in middle of the night with 3 A.M. Them. 3 AM, 4 AM, 5 AM, it’s as if they were signing on for shifts as my personal shrink. Thanks for the advice half-awake alter egos of my favorite moms!

Now, the baby is 6 months old and 3 A.M. Me isn’t around much anymore. The baby sleeps most nights and I do too. I have to say I don’t miss her. But when the teething moon is full, neighbors say they can still hear her bumbling around the house – kicking the bouncer and swearing at the top of her lungs.

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