I sit at my computer, working, a collection of pails filled with stuffed animals resting at my feet. I’m distracted, trying to finish up a project, and I hear her little feet shuffling into the room again. Straightening up in my desk chair, I fasten a smile to my face to greet my tiny gift-giver.

“Moooommmmy!” she calls out impishly. “I have another present for you! Do you like zebras?

“I love zebras!” I exclaim, forgetting my irritation at being interrupted again. She produces two bags from behind her bag, crammed with more toys, including a stuffed zebra.

My four-year-old beams at me, delighted with her newfound ability to give presents and make me happy. Then she jumps in with an addendum I’ve already heard several times today: “We can share them.”

I stifle a smile, nodding somberly and agreeing that yes, we can share custody of the pile of “gifts” she has presented me.

She does it morning, noon, and night, sneaking into the kitchen like a ninja or a stealthy pint-sized Santa Claus, her arms stretched around items she suspects her family members might enjoy. I watch her present her nine-year-old big sister with a surprise that has been carefully wrapped in a (hopefully clean) dish towel.

“Ohhh, I love it!” my oldest child gushes with appropriate effusiveness. “It’s an owl…from my bedroom…” her voice trails off awkwardly. In our family, it does not behoove the gift receiver to be choosy.

This new game of giving is not actually new to us—I remember vividly when my firstborn daughter created her own incarnation of the present game. Every night she would wrap up objects from around the house—an open bottle of moisturizer, some coasters, a few stray tea lights—and either stuff them in our holiday stockings or place them under the tree. The one difference was that these surprises were never her own belongings, rather they were always swiped unbeknownst to us. (The day she wrapped up the bottle of KY from my nightstand and presented it to my husband will go down in infamy.)

My youngest child, however, seems to derive a great deal of pleasure from giving her own treasures to her family members; there’s just one caveat—we all share them with her.

To be honest, I’m fine with this deviation from the traditionally practiced gift-giving ritual. And it’s not just because I actively prefer to avoid adding a motley crew of stuffed horses to my bedroom. I don’t want my preschooler to believe that she has to give up the things she holds dear to make others happy. Our little ones learn about “filling buckets” at school and in books, and I love the idea that even toddlers can grasp the notion that they have the ability to cheer their loved ones and make them feel happy.

But there’s a line. I would never insist that my little daughter hand over her prized possession for a pal to play with. We always sweep the house for those sacred non-sharing toys before playdates, and decide together on which ones are community playthings. We don’t request that she give hugs or kisses to people (even grandparents who are dying for a cuddle) unless she wants to.

In our house, we emphasize the importance of loving and respectful words, but we also make sure our children are advocating for their own needs appropriately, that they feel safe, that their boundaries of individuality, preference, and space are respected. They are allowed to have special things that are just for them.

“Mommy!” my preschooler calls. “I put the zebra on my little chair in the piano room, in case you’re worried about him and want to find him!”

I smile. “Thanks for letting me know, honey! I’m glad we’re sharing him.”

***

About the Author

Stephanie Sprenger

I am a freelance writer, editor, music therapist, and mother of two young girls. As co-editor of , I have published two anthologies, with a third, Mothering Through the Darkness: Women Open Up About the Postpartum Experience, to be released in November by She Writes Press. In addition to Mamalode, my work has been published in Brain, Child Magazine, Cosmopolitan.com, Good Housekeeping.com, Scary Mommy, The Huffington Post, and others. I blog at .