Let’s face it, toddlers are frustrating. They still pee their pants and are more indecisive than a woman trying on jeans. Now, in the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that I am no expert (because toddler is not offered as a foreign language at any university) but I have survived four (working on five) toddlers so I at least have some field experience when it comes translating toddler talk. It would be selfish of me to keep this knowledge to myself, so please allow me to offer this short tutorial. Free of charge.

When your toddler says “I’m not hungy”, what they really mean is that they actually are hungry but prefer to wait until after you have completely cleaned up the entire meal before they decide to eat.

When your toddler says “I no need a kweenex”, that is because they have already picked all their boogers and most likely eaten half of them and wiped the other half on the sofa (actual quantities may vary.)

When your toddler tells you “I pooped in the pawty”, they may have actually pooped in the potty but they did wipe their backside on your bathroom rug. A small victory, but we take what we can.

When your toddler assures you that “I not cwanky”, without a doubt they are attempting to trick you in an effort to skip their nap. If you fall for their shenanigans they will undoubtedly show you the meaning of cranky by dinnertime.

When your toddler exclaims with joy that they “dwessed” themselves, please know that the shirt they have on was the one they found in the bottom of their drawer which was only discovered after unfolding all the other shirts, and quite possibly the pants.

When your toddler informs you that they are “helping you cwean”, what they really mean is that they are following right behind you getting everything back out that you just put away. Times ten.

When you ask your toddler what they want for lunch and they tell you that they want chicken nuggets, please be aware that they really want peanut butter and jelly. They will not inform you about the change of heart until after the nuggies are already cooked (please feel free to substitute your toddler’s food choices.)

When your toddler begs you to play a rousing game of Candy Land, please know that once you get the game all set up and take one turn each, they will decide that they don’t really want to play Candy Land but instead want to play Chutes and Ladders. You will repeat this process five hundred times.

When naptime rolls around and your toddler informs you that they are in fact “not tired”, be sure to lay them down anyway so they can sleep for three hours to prove to you that they actually were “not tired”.

If your toddler runs up to you and announces that “I peed”, they most likely did it in their pants. Pick them up at your own risk.

And last but definitely not least: 

When your toddler comes to snuggle in your lap and you feel a little rumble on your leg and they announce that they “fahted” on you, what they are really telling you is that they love you and you are without a doubt, the best mom on the planet.

Class dismissed.