It started with a batch of cookies.
I thought it would be a wonderful treat to bake cookies with my son; he could watch the cookies baking in the oven, then eat the results. This felt like a true Norman Rockwell moment waiting to be pinned on my Pinterest board. My #1 Mommy mug was just an Amazon order away.
My son participated in separating the dough and rolling out the individual balls. He tried to eat a few (smart boy!) but was OK with my dissuasions to instead put them on the baking tray, followed by the oven. As we watched the cookies slowly melt through the oven window, my son looked at me pleadingly. “Cookie! Cookie!” he cried out.
Those were, perhaps, the longest 11 minutes of our lives. How do you explain the word “wait” to a two year old? Tic. Tock. Tic.
Finally, the timer went off and it was time for our gooey treats. Daddy passed out the cookies. One for our son. One for mommy. One for daddy.
My son reached for his cookie with hunger in his eye and drool on his lips. All was right in this world. Until,that is, he noticed that mommy and daddy now have cookies too. Suddenly his eyes dart to the cookie plate. His cookie plate. Empty spaces where cookies once laid.
Rage ensued. Screaming, crying, back arching. You would think we just had just told him the world was ending. Maybe for him, the world was ending. It was the greatest tantrum… no, conniption… our home has ever seen.
He held onto his cookie the entire time.
A lot of things go through my head when my son is having a fit. What should I be doing right now? Is he OK? Keep your cool, mama… But for this hysteria, my mind was on overdrive. Have I turned my son into a monster? How could he not see, appreciate, and enjoy the cookie that is right in front of him? Why doesn't he want mom and dad to enjoy their cookies too? OH MY GOD, IS HE A SADIST?
It’s during times like these that I really long to get inside my son's head and better understand which way those wheels are turning. What is he thinking about? How does he perceive the world? He sees so many new things each day, it must be overwhelming. Is it too much? Am I doing this right?
Which brings me to the question I weigh myself down with every day as a mom. Am I enough?
I want to be the best mom in the world to my son. I want to give him everything his heart desires, while also teaching him good from bad, honest from dishonest, kind from mean. And there is so much I want for him. When he looks at me with his deep blue eyes and says “I wuv you,” I am encouraged and I see a beautiful future. But for times like our disastrous cookie night, I lose confidence in my parenting, and I worry.
The struggle is real, mamas. They say the very fact that you question whether or not you’re a good mom means that you are one. Which already makes me a damn good mom, it seems. As the months and years progress, I'll see my son's personality shape and flourish. I'm eager to see what traits he picks up from his father and me. While I fret constantly about what may be, I understand this kind of worry is fruitless and self-destructive.
I am enough. I am the mom my child needs to grow and develop into a balanced, well-rounded, happy human being. God picked me to raise this child. I may lack confidence in my parenting abilities, but my son doesn't. He sees his one and only momma, and (most of the time) he thinks I am the best. He loves and trusts and needs me more than anyone else in the world. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters most?
I am a good mom. I am a good person. I am enough. Maybe I will go ahead and order that mug on Amazon. But don't hold your breath on another batch of cookies. I'm taking a break from baking for a while.
1 c. Brown Sugar
1 c. Granulated Sugar
1 c. Butter
2 tsp. Vanilla
2 Tbs. Milk
2 c. Flour, sifted
1 tsp. Baking Powder
1 tsp. Baking Soda
1 tsp. Salt
1/2 tsp. Cinnamon
2 c. Old Fashioned Oatmeal
1 12oz. bag chocolate chips ( caramel swirl chips are best, if you can find them, or 1/2 choc chips 1/2 butterscotch chips are also good)
-Preheat oven to 350.
-Beat butter and sugars together till creamy.
-Add eggs, vanilla and milk, mix well.
-Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon.
-Add flour mixture to butter mixture and mix well.
-Stir in oatmeal and chocolate chips.
Drop a heaping tablespoons of dough onto silpat or parchment-lined baking sheets.
Butter the bottom of a glass and then dip the glass into turbinado sugar. Press sugared glass onto each cookie to slightly flatten. Re-dip glass in sugar before pressing each cookie.
Bake ten minutes or until edges are brown.
When cookies are done, remove to rack to cool.