I Wouldn’t Love You Sooner

Ashley Yaste essays

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I saw this and thought of you today…

I thought of all the years and things we've missed in each others lives.

For a second I wished for the ability to turn back time. The ability to experience you as a young and carefree 20-year-old with your life ahead of you and no responsibilities to weigh you down or reign you in. (Not that you ever needed much reigning) The ability to share my crazy, fun 20's with you without the tethers of kids, babysitters, mortgages and careers.

I was exciting, spontaneous, wild and funny – I stayed up all night and slept all day. I ate crappy fast food and still rocked bikini. My body hadn't been rearranged by a baby yet and neither had my life. I didn't live by a 12-year-old's school calendar or a weekly meal plan posted on the fridge. (I'm sure you didn't either. I've heard stories…)

That wish was fleeting though, because I didn't fall in love with you for your ability to be spontaneous or your lack responsibilities or the way your ass looked in those jeans (that did help a little.)

I fell in love with the way you loved me. All of the little ways you went out of your way to show me you cared. I fell in love with a man who  never failed to remind me that even at my worst I was enough. I fell in love with the way you loved my daughter. I fell in love with a man who chose to be honest even though it wouldn't be easy.

Every day you give me more to be in love with. Every day I'm thankful I found you when I did and not a second sooner.

Had I been granted that wish to turn back time and find you sooner you would have gotten a very different person. I wouldn't have appreciated the quiet calm you bring to my life or the security that our daily routine brings. I was on a mission to be independent and experience it all. To prove to myself that I didn't need to depend on anyone…Being dependent on another person terrified me.

By the time you got me I had a whole attic full of baggage, but I was finally comfortable in my own skin. I was ok with the person I had become. The thought of sharing my life and space and time with you didn't terrify me. The idea of being one half of our whole didn't feel constricting.

Beginning this life with you was easy, marrying you was a no-brainier. Continuing with you on this journey is everything that I never knew I wanted.

If I had one wish it wouldn't be to turn back the clock and love you sooner. I'd wish for it to never stop. I'd love you longer than forever.  


About the Author

Ashley Yaste

Mom of 3 littles who moonlights at a construction manager. I spend my nights changing poopy diapers and trying to remember where I left my sanity.

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June 2015 – Kindness
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