December 3, 2014
A homeschooling mother of three children made the unorthodox decision to suddenly send her three children back to public school on a Thursday morning, school authorities reported today. Apparently the mother pulled up to the curb of Cool River Elementary at 11:00 a.m., opened the car door to let her three young children out, and then sped away without even walking the children inside. Witnesses said they could hear hysterical laughing and loud rock music coming from the car as the mother skidded out of the parking lot.
When the school principal noticed three disoriented children, wearing pajamas, walking around in front of the building, she went out to investigate. She managed to register two of the children for class immediately, a 4th grader and a 2nd grader, but was puzzled about what to do with the 3 year old. “We usually don’t register 3 year olds for kindergarten,” the principal stated. After performing a quick assessment, the staff determined that the boy was exceptionally bright and advanced and also tall for his age, so she assigned him to a 1st grade classroom. All three children were escorted to their classrooms by the principal within 20 minutes of their drop-off.
The mother was later spotted at a local Starbucks calmly sipping a salted caramel latte with extra whip cream. When questioned by police about the abandonment of her children in front of the elementary school, the mother looked puzzled and said she did not have any children. After more questioning and more sipping of her latte, the woman admitted to knowing the children, and finally to actually being their mother. Police are trying to determine the exact cause of the mother’s sudden decision to enroll her children in school in the middle of the school year, and in the middle of the week. “We’ve seen this kind of thing before,” Detective Moore stated. “A lot of homeschooling mothers start out with the best of intentions but then just crack right in the middle of the school year. It’s very sad.” The mother, however, did not look sad at all. In fact, witnesses at Starbucks said she looked “giddy” and “almost ecstatic.” When asked what her plans were now that her children were all enrolled in public school, the mother announced, “The first thing I’m excited about is having a bowel movement without anyone watching me. Next, I’m going to comb my hair, put on eye shadow and nice clothes, and sit on the couch and watch any damn show I want to watch.”