If you ever really want to get to know your children better, take a trip alone with them. No friends, no phones, no distractions. You, them and nothing but time stretched our languorously in front of you. I recently returned from a three-week trip to Europe with my two teenagers. I realize that the thought of being alone with two teens (and no technology) is enough to make most of us find a sharp object to end our agony. Including me. Until this trip.
Like most working mothers, my time is at a premium. I struggle to maintain the balance between meetings, projects, homework, housework, pets, kids lessons—the list is endless. Initially, I rejected the thought of taking three weeks of vacation at once. Too much to do at home, at work, too expensive—the list of reasons not to take the trip was much longer than the reasons in favor of it. Then, something happened.
Lunching with one of my best girlfriends, I discovered her daughter was thinking about studying for a semester abroad.
We weighed the pros and cons as we ate until she looked up at me, tears in her eyes, “I just didn’t think it would happen this fast.”
It occurred to me as I covered her hand with my own that I hadn’t either. After all, I had changed her daughter’s diapers before I had children of my own. My son was about to enter high school. How much more time did I have until I, too, was sitting at a lunch with one of my younger friends lamenting the loss of my oldest to college?
It took a year of planning and saving to be able to make the trip come together. Every sacrifice, each dinner made at home in lieu of eating out was a sacrifice for a greater good I hoped was coming. I don’t have to tell you that all didn’t appreciate the sacrifices. There were futile attempts to teach them each a few phrases in French and German. Which resulted in both of them looking up curse words in my French/German/English dictionaries. Or persuading them to save a few hundred dollars for souvenirs, which only earned my daughter a few shopping trips with her girlfriends. And finally, showing them maps of the countries we would see. None of which accomplished garnering excitement for any length of time. But three days before the trip, something changed.
The reality of what we were about to do hit them simultaneously. Because the international calling plans were simply too expensive, their phones had to be left at home. With their technology stripped away, they began to panic. What if we needed help and didn’t have a phone? Without a phone, what would we do at night? No Internet surfing, no IM’ing. What would their friends do if they couldn’t get a hold of them for three weeks? I never told them this, but I was nervous too. We moms complain about always seeing the back of a phone, but occasionally, it can give us the half hour of needed respite to finish a report, fix dinner or just get one bathroom break without someone complaining to us through the bathroom door.
But I needn’t have worried.
We took our first week in Paris by storm, seeing the tourist attractions on our own and then getting lost a few hundred times only to discover the most amazing café, or a lovely shop. Our apartment in Paris was small and cozy, with a mini-loft for sleeping. The summer sun does not go down in Paris until almost 10:00 p.m. and late one night, we began to talk. Lying in the loft, I did something I’m often too busy to do. I stopped and listened. Quietly, and without distraction, I listened as they talked about their friends, school, and finally—their dreams. They asked me questions about college, love and life. We fell asleep around 3:00 a.m. on the huge king bed in the loft; a pile of pajamas, arms and legs.
Switzerland was next, with the clean, crisp air from the Alps wafting down on us. They wanted to try everything; the food, the culture, the little trails that lead around the lake. Their reservations about trying new things slipped away. We went bobsledding down Mt. Pilatus and ate chicken cordon bleu for dinner. We hiked into the Rhone Glacier wearing shorts and t-shirts (such a California move!) and managed not to freeze on our way back up the mountain. Lightning and thunderstorms at night gave way to blue skies and puffy clouds the next morning. And somewhere in the middle of all that activity, I saw the people they were becoming.
My son, always one to be cautious and hold back until he decides whether it’s safe to proceed has an adventurous side that I had never seen. From leading the path through the snow into a glacier to navigating our way through the backstreets of Lake Lucerne, I could see the glimmer of the man he was becoming. My daughter, so eager at home to charge ahead (consequences be-damned!), showed me how quietly she contemplates options when confronted with the unknown. She eagerly allowed her brother or me to take the lead, then offered the pros and cons of deviating from a path or plan.
I thought I knew them before we left, but really what I knew was so basic compared to what I learned. Before I left, I reasoned that I was giving them the chance to see Europe. But really what they got was the chance to see themselves without the everyday distractions that can cloud your vision.
Although their technology is a wonderful tool, it can’t show them what the Venus de Milo feels like against their hand. An iPhone or an iPad can’t stand next to them in awe, marveling that they are standing where a king once stood. They will discard their phone in favor of next years latest, greatest. They will never lose what they discovered on this trip.
They discovered that the world exists outside of the microcosm that is their lives. They discovered that their bother/sister is not the enemy, but really a close friend that shares a lot of the same fears and dreams that they do. Finally, they found out that their mother is a real person who has fears and dreams, just like them.
The three weeks now are just a blur, suitcases unpacked and pictures developed. But every once in a while, when I ask them to put down their phones, I don’t get the requisite sigh. They click it off, lean back and ask, “Okay, what should we talk about?”
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