Editor's Note: This letter is a follow-up to the first letter that we published, “A Letter to my Children: Will You Understand?” in our print magazine (themed IT'S COMPLICATED) and online. Read it here. 

1/3/2015

Dear Dad,

I woke up this morning with an acute pang. How could Christmas go by without even a card or a call for your grandkids? As I lay in bed pondering, all the years of my own sense of loss came back. How could it be that you drove to Iowa all those years I lived in Colorado, and stopped by only one time? How could it be I’ve lived in Missoula all these years, and you came by to see us only one time?

On the one hand, I want to be happy for you that you now have your second family and kids that you are close to. On the other hand, I feel bereft for my own children to not have a grandfather: very few memories, lots of missed opportunities. I wish we could have just a little bit of the time you spend with Cat and Josh—traveling to see them, traveling for sports events, helping in moving, etc.

I’m sure you have lots of explanations—we don’t have shared interests; you are disappointed in me (and the rest of us); my kids are ingrates. (I know I didn’t send you anything this year either—my first ever. I guess that *small*—meaning “mean, petty, passive-aggressive” —part of me just wanted to engage in tit-for-tat. I know, petty. I’m telling myself now: I’m better than that.) 

Regardless, I want you to know that it still does hurt after all these years. It hurts me, it hurts Willa and it hurts Clark.

I’m not writing this to make you feel bad, but rather, to let you know that your absence in my life and their lives is acute. Now that they are off in college, it is harder to coordinate trips, but I’m sure either of them would jump at the drop of a hat to see you and spend time with you. The past doesn’t have to be the future and if there’s a way to bridge this gap, I’m ready to do my part.

Love,

Starsha

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About the Author

Starsha Diamond

A lady of mystery.