They told me time would go by fast. They told me to enjoy all the little moments, as well as the big. They told me they wouldn't be little for long, and to spoil them as much as I could. I don't know who they were. I think it was everyone. Even without their knowledge, somehow I already knew, but I'm glad they told me.
I did savor the way he discovered his fingers and watched them move. The way his eyes would look into mine for what seemed like forever, and I wished it would stay that way for forever. Forever is but a few seconds, though. I savored every second.
I tried to breathe and I choked down the pain, and I thought I was going to die as my body prepared itself to push out the baby boy that I had carried inside. I had no control. Everything moved along. It took everything I had. All of my fight, my energy, my fear, my hopes, and my love. All at once, he was there and in my arms, and I knew what it was to know the most perfect love and to know peace. It was so good and overwhelming that my heart ached.
I couldn't believe this boy was mine. I remember walking through the house, days after coming home from the hospital, and thinking, Oh my God, I'm responsible for this human being. He's mine. I would watch him fall asleep, and most times I would still be watching as he would wake. For hours I would just marvel at him. He was, and is, the most beautiful thing.
He's grown through the years and he's about to step out of high school, and maybe through college doors, or maybe into the world. I'm afraid things are going to warp speed ahead.
He had a birthday yesterday. I still choke down all of those emotions from the first day at times. I love him fiercely. Everything moves along.
The other day he was talking about how he can hardly listen to country music anymore, how it's all about just a few things. One of those thingsbeing how time goes by so fast, how life goes by. “Who wants to listen tosomething telling you how fast life goes by? Nobody wants to think about life going by fast.” And he's right. But it does.
I will still watch him at times. Somewhere down the line it got to where he would walk through the house, and I would have to look twice, because overnight there was a man-sized person walking through, and not a boy. I will still look at him sometimes, almost dazing at him, a pitiful attempt at willing time to stop, wishing the days would stay this way forever. Forever is but a few seconds though. Time really does move fast.
There's a flipside to the growing pains though. It has been the most fun, the biggest laughs, the most amazing wonder to watch him grow. The kid is smart and funny. He's kind and honest and able. He's everything good. It's all been so easy. So far, it's been the best time of my life, and while I can't wait to see where he'll go and what he'll do from here, I absolutely can.
Happy Birthday, my love.
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