Nate, my fourth and last baby, has entered the letter phase. I had forgotten how annoying it is. I looked back into my murky blogging past and found this gem of a rant written when I was pregnant with Nate and my oldest two kids were not quite three-years-old. I still relate and I’m still every bit this grumpy and impatient.

Saige and Garrett entered this letter phase recently. Do you know of this new toddler horror? Yeah, yeah, it’s wonderful, they’re learning their letters, they love it. It’s the precursor to reading; they’re smart; I’m thrilled. I’m quite certain I ought to be writing about how adorable it is and they are and all that, but I can’t because:

OH MY FREAKING GOD IT’S ONE OF THE MOST ANNOYING THINGS THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I try to be enthusiastic, but my cheerfulness wanes by, oh I don’t know, 8:00 a.m. The barrage begins first thing in the morning, every single day.

Saige: What does store start with?

Me: Ssssssss. Ssssssss. Sssssssstore.

S&G: ESSSSSSS!!!!!!! ESSSSSSSSSSS!!

Garrett: What does mouse start with?

Me: Mmmmmmm. Mmmmmmm. Mmmmmmouse.

S&G: EMMMMMMM!!!! EMMMMMMMM!!!! IT STARTS WITH EM!

G: What does shark start with? What does shark start with, momma?

Me: That’s a tricky one. Shhhhhhark. Shhhhark. Shhhhhhhh. What says shhhhhh?

S&G: I don’t know.

Me: S and H together say shhhhhh.

G: NOOOOO!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! S says ssssssssss.

Me: Right, but with H (heh, heh, heh), it says shhhhhhh.

G: NO IT DOESN’T. IT DOESN’T SAY SHHHHHH. WHAT DOES SHARK START WITH?

Me: Kay. It starts with K.

I know I need to try harder, but the letter thing gets on my last nerve. Yesterday, we hit a new family low. I gave Garrett a time out for whining at me about what shark starts with.

S AND H. TOGETHER. I CAN’T HELP IT. I DID NOT INVENT THE ALPHABET.

Matt: What does ‘you’re a little impatient with them’ start with?

Me: The same thing that ‘you are not even giving me grief right now, I have been doing this all day, while blossoming (to put it kindly) with your fourth child’ starts with.

Matt: What does ‘eat something and get your blood sugar up so that you aren’t such a pain in the ass’ start with?

Me: What does ‘maybe I’ll go to a restaurant and have a nice quiet meal all by myself’ start with?

Matt: What does ‘I had them all yesterday afternoon’ start with?

Me: What does ‘puh-lease’ start with?

Matt: The same letter ‘prima donna’ starts with.

Me: I’m thinking of a word that starts with ‘A.’

Matt: Huh, mine starts with ‘B.’

They were ‘awesome husband’ and ‘big, happy family,’ in case you were wondering.