I am your mommy. I know you are still so very small, but I love you already. You're only the size of a Poppy Seed right now, so tiny that I could hold you on the tip of my finger. I have prayed for you, hoped for you, and tried for you, and now you're on your way. You're starting to grow, and in the next few weeks, you'll develop leaps and bounds beyond what you are now.
I'm excited, but I'm scared for you too. I hope that you are strong, that you will be healthy, and that you will make it to your delivery day. I don't care if I'm sick every single day or that I'm already feeling the exhaustion of the first trimester. I don't care if you're a boy or a girl. I don't care if you look like your dad, or if you look like me, or if you look like us both. I don't care if you sleep through the night like your older brother, or if you don't sleep at all like your other brother. I just want you to make it. I don't want to scare you, but the reality is that I AM very scared because of the baby that didn't make it. We lost him, and we really miss him. But this could be different, we could make it.
And eight months from now, if we do make it to your due date, I'll still be scared for you, my Rainbow Baby. But then, I'll be scared for you the way I'm scared for your older brothers. I'll worry that you're healthy, that you're eating enough, that you're learning all that you need to learn. And when you're older, I'll worry that the other kids are nice to you, and that you're nice back, and I'll worry that you're filled with respect and humility.
But until then, I'll just pray for you, my tiny little child. I'll pray that you get to join our little family in January. I'll pray that your oldest brother gets to hold you at the hospital the day you're born. You should see him. He's so excited for you that he was actually shaking when I told him about you. Your other brother doesn't understand yet, but by the time you're ready to meet us, I think he will. He's so sweet, and I know he will want to snuggle you and give you kisses, just like the rest of us will.
So to my sweet, tiny, innocent baby, the one I've just found out about, I love you already, and I wanted you to know.