The Most Beautiful Wrecking

Lexi Behrndt essays

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I became a mom early. One month after my college graduation, two pink lines appeared. Looking back, you could say that I was a little reckless. I didn’t see it then. I thought I had life under control, and I didn’t think a baby would change much.

I was wrong.

So very wrong.

Motherhood came naturally to me. I didn’t have any habits to break. We were learning together, weaving in and weaving out of each day, rising with kisses, and sighing the deepest, most contented sighs as he fell asleep into my arms every night. Every fear calmed. Every dream suddenly realized. It’s as if the one thing I was made for was to be “momma”. We fit and flowed together, smooth as honey.

I am new to motherhood still, and yet my eyes have seen the unimaginable.

I told myself I would never be okay. I told myself I would never make it… and yet here I sit. Over three years since those first two pink lines, and I’ve welcomed another boy who made my heart light up like the sun. And then, nearly seven months later, I held him as his heart stopped beating.

Some days I question how I am still breathing.

I fell in love big time, the shock-you, head-over-heels, forever-changed, can’t-pry-me-away kind of love, with my two little boys, one and then the other. To say they have shaped my life is an understatement. They have altered the entire course, and they have single-handedly ensured that I will never, ever be the same in the irreversible, wreck-you way.

I’ve been completely and utterly wrecked, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My heart has changed. It’s been shattered and mended and broken again and is slowly being pieced back together by two sets of sky blue eyes— one set in my arms and one set seared into my heart.

My dreams have changed. Ambition doesn’t look the same. It looks more like purpose. More like legacy. Less like “me”.

My faith has changed. Trusting is now like breathing. Inhale. Exhale… Smooth. Innate. Natural. Necessary.

I was not prepared for motherhood to change me at a cellular level. It did. It still is.

It’s bruised me. It’s wounded me. It’s broken me. It’s altered the course of my life entirely.

And it’s smoothed my jagged edges. And shaped my unruly parts. It’s healed me in ways I never knew needed healing, and it all started with those two pink lines.

The most beautiful wrecking is all due to them. Sky blue eyes. Sandy blonde hair. Lips just like mine.

Motherhood met me young, but it met me with two little boys who wrecked my heart, and that, my friends, is the sweetest way.


About the Author

Lexi Behrndt

Lexi is a writer at , a Communications Director, and a mom to Lincoln here and Charlie in heaven.

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