Sexuality and its playmate Love are important. They tell your partner that you are more than a co-parent or a cuckold of the baby love affair. And for you, life has not become all business, no pleasure. Mom needs playtime too. It is easy to forget the necessity of personal growth when the little ones in your life change at hyper-speed. Here’s a guide to help you remember. As Heidi Raykeil suggests in the book “Love in the Time of Colic,” wash off the mommy. Waste water. Use grown-up soap. Relearn what your body feels like to your hand and what your hand feels like to your body. You’ll always be a mama, but today you’ll have freedom to think “kitchen table” instead of “changing table.” The objective is to be your own best lover and find grounding in who you are, so start with your head in the game. Fantasize. Caress your earlobes, strengthen with Kegels, make up riddles to amuse you. Play with yourself. Knowing how you are pleased is a launch-pad for partner play, another connection.

I suspect you like clean sheets, warmth, and seduction. Your partner probably has a design for connection too. Compare notes. Flirt. Tell the truth. Make out. Add condoms and lube to the grocery list. Play footsy. The more touch the more oxytocin, your best friend. (Oxytocin made room for your baby to exit; she was there fore very breastfeeding and during orgasm.) This fantastic chemical connector relieves fear and restores contentment, and induces pair-bonding. What hot mama doesn’t need more of that?

A word to the wise: Having sex is known to beget wanting sex. Wanted sex begets connection, an expression of love that words can’t manage and a relationship beyond co-habitation. If it feels unmanageable, meet with a sexologist. Sex is important. Seek help is not weak, it’s smart!

Originally published in our print issue CONNECTIONS.

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About the Author

Lindsey Doe

Lindsey is a clinical sexologist in Missoula, Montana and host of YouTube sex education channel, . She is also parent to a spunky teen daughter.