The ONE Fear That Haunts Me As A Mom

Ghada Karam Loss

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In life we go through many changes.

Change is always associated with a new ‘something’ that we look forward to having.

Some changes are common and can happen to anyone like graduation, moving away for college, getting a new car, a new pair of shoes, starting a new relationship.

Other changes are more unique, and when they happen, special attention must be given to them, like birth, something that all mothers can relate to.

And then there are the changes that no one looks forward to. Changes that could impact a life forever, not always in a good way.

Like death.

This type of change has become one of my biggest obsessions in the past few months, as I have started to realise that it could threaten the harmonious cocoon that I have created as a mother, as a housewife.

Nothing is more painful than missing someone that is no longer here. The thought of losing my family, or even my closest friends, is a painful one that I try to push away.

Nothing and no one is stronger than nature, and when it decides to hit, we can only learn how to adapt with whatever it decides to grant us.

Truth is, a decade ago, when the famous song by Ronan Keating ”If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I love her” came out, it made me think a lot about the impact we leave on others, after death. We tend to think of the sorrow we will feel when losing a person close to us, but for the first time after hearing this song, I asked myself: what could others be feeling if they were to lose me?

Did I leave the right mark in their lives?

Would I have expressed all my appreciation to them?

I wasn’t sure if the answers were positive when I heard the song back then, but after that I worked on making sure that, should any dreadful event occur to me, the dearest people to my heart would know how I felt about them.

This was easy and possible when I was someone else’s friend or wife.

The same applied for the reversed version when I thought of losing someone that I loved; some people enter our lives like angels who leave an imprint, and mark our lives forever. And I had no doubt that they also did the best they could to make me know I was loved.

But then motherhood came in the picture, and this thought was no longer reassuring.

What would happen to my baby if I would no longer exist? How would she know that I loved her when she is just a toddler who will barely remember the sound of my voice a couple of years from now?

How about if she were to lose her father instead of me?

The story that I told myself over and over again for the past decade suddenly lost its value. I was no longer reassured that the people that I loved the most, would know how I felt about them should anything happen to me.

The sad truth about love is that, the more we are surrounded by people we can exchange it with, the more we expose ourselves to the sadness of goodbyes. Lonely people who live on deserted islands have found a way to protect themselves from this sad reality. They love no one and would never feel the pain of saying goodbye.

But then, is this really a solution? Should we all leave the cities we live in, and adopt the loner’s life to avoid feeling any pain?

Or should we take the risk of being sad and share love as long as it could last?

As I am not ready to take the lead in launching a loner’s island, I opted for the sophisticated option of investing in technology, something we can do in the year 2015.  This way, I spend my time taking pictures and recording every fun moment my husband and I have with our baby. One day, when she grows-up and looks back at these memories, she will feel grateful to have them.

Hopefully we shall be around when that day happens.



About the Author

Ghada Karam

Ghada Karam is a first-time mom who lives in Bangkok with her husband and her two-year old daughter. She enjoys gossiping about being a mom and about her daughter’s tantrums. She thinks tantrums are great. They spice-up her day. Her work has also appeared on BLUNTmoms, Bonbon Break, BKK Kids, Mamapedia, Sammiches and Psych Meds and Coffee Table Confessions. You can follow her latest news at , or get in touch with her on , and .

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