Wanted: Lunatic Who Works 24/7

Amy Campero Stay at Home Parent

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Let’s say you were looking for a job and came across this job posting:

Wanted: Hard worker who never takes breaks, loves constantly being pulled in all directions, someone who can mentally and physically stand sleep deprivation as a form of torture. Needs to be able to stomach awful smells, gross chewed up food, and wiping others feces.

Job Description: Very moody clients who can go from happy to irate within seconds; said employee has to be able to withstand copious amounts of crying, possibility of things being thrown at you, and being followed to the bathroom at all times. You have to meet the client's needs at their waking hours or risk the possibility of a client meltdown, which can happen at any time or place- this includes grocery stores, playgrounds, restaurants, or your own home.

Hours: This job is 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. You may get some sleep at night but there will be no consistency with that- the client may need you at some point during the night if their sock falls off or if they lose their stuffed animal, or just for you to hold them while they sleep comfortably in your arms. There are no holidays or breaks, you may get a 10-minute shower everyday but there is no guarantee the client will not need you during this time.

Pay: This job pays nothing. In fact, it will cost you money to feed the client or provide the client with supplies. (It is a known fact you will spend more money on alcohol as well.) You won’t make a dime from this gig but some say that the client will give you hugs and kisses that substitute as payment.

Benefits: There are no health benefits for this job- in fact, your health may deteriorate due to the following:

  • Inability to eat a full meal
  • Lack of Sleep (you won’t ever get the required amount of hours a human needs to function)
  • Drinking excessive amounts of coffee and alcohol
  • No time to exercise; although you will be lifting heavy objects all day long and trying to walk with someone clinging to your leg, if you count that as exercise
  • Mental stability will go to s**t because you never have time for yourself
  • You will age rather quickly and start sprouting grey hairs within a few years of this job

Start Date: 9 Months until start, in which time you will gain weight, feel tired and extremely nauseous, refrain from sushi, alcohol, tobacco, and certain soft cheeses. Once you start this job you are locked in for life, most people think the job contract is only 18 years but that is a silly myth.

Yet, millions of people have had this job for centuries. Mothers are seriously the superheroes of the world, but even superheroes need a break every now and then.


About the Author

Amy Campero

Amy is a native New Orleanian, former New Yorker, and newbie Austinite. She is currently employed as a stay at home mom but always in search of someone to hire her to travel the world with her husband and two babes. In her spare time you can find her negotiating with children, obsessing over books, enjoying a glass of wine, and writing about her family’s adventures at .

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April 2016 – SUPPORT
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