Sometimes it starts simply because I tell him he can’t have a cookie after lunch. Sometimes it’s because he lost a game of soccer or basketball against his older brother. It only takes one small thing to incite a volcanic eruption of anger from my three-year-old son; once he gets into the throws of a fit, he will hit, scream, kick and throw things for forty-five minutes to an hour.
Since I am a peacemaker and people-pleaser by nature, when he first started throwing these tantrums, I would do anything possible to defuse his anger before it even started. Now that he has become a master fit thrower, I realize that in my attempt to avoid confrontation and spare myself the forty-five minute energy-depleting battles, I may have created a monster.
When he first started throwing these fits a year and a half ago, I did what you are never supposed to do with a tantruming toddler: I gave in. I recognize that I may have contributed to or even encouraged his negative behavior by giving in at first. However, I have held consistent boundaries for quite a while now, so I have to wonder: Is this just the normal trajectory of childhood, where a child tries to manipulate with temper tantrums, or is something more at play here? He will not sit in a time-out chair and wait patiently to be released, and he will not stay in his room or go to his “safe place” to calm down. Are these daily battles a sign of my failure as a mother? Is there something wrong with him, or is there something wrong with the way I interact with him?
Although these battles go against my personality and my overall parenting style, I am determined to teach this child how to express his feelings without resorting to physicality. How can I teach him this, without resorting to physicality myself? I refuse to spank him.
I was spanked as a child, and I know that it worked for me. I have no emotional scars from by being spanked, and I recognize that it is a discipline practice that is effective for some people. However, I cannot rationalize spanking my son, because me spanking (hitting) him is not an acceptable way to punish him for hitting me or someone else. The second reason is that sometimes I am afraid that if I started to spank just for hitting, it would become a slippery slope, and I would soon find myself spanking for name-calling, not listening, or not putting on his shoes in time for school.
Does his desire to hit come from the frustration of being the younger brother who is expected to behave as if he was 20 months older than he actually is? Has the frustration of shared toys and hand-me-down pajamas built up until it finally boils over and culminates with him repeatedly smacking his brother or me? Does hitting get him one-on-one attention with me, which he thinks he otherwise couldn’t attain?
I struggle to understand what he needs from me when he is floundering in the midst of a fit. I’ve scoured the Internet looking for a consequence that will finally convince him that lashing out physically is not worth it. After trying virtually every approach, I have finally accepted that each child needs a different method of parenting. The calming methods I use when my older son is agitated seem to make my younger son even more hysterical. I’m still learning what kind of mother my younger son needs me to be in his moments of crisis.
For me, this may be the biggest challenge of parenting. I can be a good parent (hopefully even a great parent) to both of my children most of the time. But learning how to divide my mental brain space so I can give each child the kind of boundaries, support or independence that he needs in a particular moment; that is my true challenge.
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